Hey Lioness PRIDE,
I feel more determined than any other year to peel off the layers of self that I have piled on over time and discover a deeper sense of who I am in my most naked and vulnerable state. This being my last year in my 40’s also feels like a really good time to take stock and make time for some much needed ‘chapter adjustments’ before entering my fantastic 50’s!!!
I am noticing that as opposed to continuing on with old and familiar habits as well as staying within my daily small pond, I am in my season of letting go of everything I have conditioned myself to believe is the length and breathe of who I am.
There is this need to just pause and reflect more than ever before because as I get older, part of my continued maturing is monitoring my growth and truthfully speaking my overall progress and this time around seeing what I can let go of.
Beyond work, motherhood, the sister you can count on, friend always available to share deep and meaningful advice and many other titles I have given myself – surely there is so much more that is still up for self-discovery.
My younger brother sent me this quote recently, and of course it was so well timed because it clearly explained what I am going through and felt like a gentle acknowledgement from the Universe that what I am feeling is a real stage in life and I am sure many of you will experience this at some point in your lives too…
“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything.
Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you,
So you can be who you were meant to be in the first place”…
{Paulo Coelho}
For many years I have wanted to discover who I am beyond the creative ‘work’ title that I and society have defined me as and what my greater passions and loves could be beyond these borders.
I’ve also noted that the pull towards remaining the same is so much stronger when I remain fixed in my environments and not willing or feeling daring enough to explore my life beyond my safety net.
These environments are anything from where I live, who am used to interacting with, the job I do or the projects I take on and the daily habits I subconsciously enter into and repeat without even thinking them through.
The shift in understanding how limitless I actually am, began at the start of the year when my son entered his first year of boarding school and I found myself staring at the walls at home, alone and lost in my temporarily non-existent role as an ‘everyday-parent’. Of course I will be mom for life, but all of a sudden there was no mad morning rush, no lunch boxes to pack, school drop offs to coordinate and many an afterschool activity to get to.
Who was I with all this extra time at hand and what was I supposed to do with it all??? My biggest role and ‘title’ had shifted and it turns out I was actually not prepared for the shift and lack of my daily identity.
Well, I had promised myself a quick escape to the coast which I was so eager to get to because home alone in the space that used to be filled with loud boyish sounds was now too quiet and unfamiliar. I didn’t even know what I wanted to cook for myself – so instead headed straight to the airport away from all that was familiar yet unfamiliar without my child.
For the past 14 years, my trips away have almost always been with my son and were centred on his needs and what holiday activities he wanted to partake in first before I could even put myself in the equation.
Suddenly here I was, the centre of my own Universe free to decide what I wanted to do on my solo trip away.
I found myself reaching for my phone wanting to check in on my son and confirm he was ok before I could be brave enough to give myself permission to have fun and enjoy my time away. But guess what, no phones allowed at school for the first term.
Surely there was a boarding school mommy’s anonymous group I could join quickly.
And therein began my journey of letting go of all that I thought I was and could only be, trusting that the school I had researched for the past 2 years would have the best interest of my child at heart and that I could grant myself permission to sleep in a few days of my time away and not worry about what I was supposed to be responding to and rushing off to in my role as super-mom.
Over the years, I have also had taken on a very active role as sister who can solve everything and anything in my family’s lives which on a good day can leave me exhausted and slightly burnt out – when once again my brother to the rescue asked me that in this role of sister soldier in our family’s life – what exactly was I neglecting or running away from in my own life.
Who would I be if I wasn’t super-sister..?
The process of unbecoming is like shedding the skin you no longer need to hold on to in order to reveal the pure soul that lives beneath.
I am letting go of lifetimes of conditioning in order to bloom into my full essence – nothing is a no go area, everything is under deep review.
Letting go to simply know myself better is a journey I highly recommend. In fact it’s a law.
‘An important law in the Universe that seems paradoxical but that we all eventually must learn:
You manifest more by letting go than you do by holding on”…
{Maryam Hasnaa}
Queen, I am excited as to who I will meet within myself as I take on this new path of understanding, leaving a trail of the old as I fully step into my new – shedding now what I have come to understand as not only body weight, but the weight of the world too in order to come home to my REAL self. Wish me luck, and I can’t wait to meet you too along this journey.
LET GO Queen!
With Love & PRIDE,
Nthabi Taukobong
